Cocker Crisis – Judge Judy Case #1375: Woodward vs Hartigan Calendars
Dear Judge Judy,
Last December, I purchased a 2015 Cocker Spaniel calendar for my girlfriend. She has a great devotion to the breed and I assumed this gift would symbolise a good year ahead for us.
The calendar was sealed in plastic so I could not examine its contents. Why would I? I took it on good faith there’d be plenty of Cockers. So imagine my dismay when we opened the calendar and saw that a number of the photographed breeds weren’t really Cocker Spaniels. March looks more like a Collie, April is a Retriever and God only knows what August is supposed to be. As for November, the less said the better. A ‘Tibetan spaniel’ indeed. It looks more like the type of fluffy toy children win at travelling carnivals. If that’s a Cocker Spaniel, then I’m the Dalai Lama.
As a dog lover yourself, Judge Judy, I’m sure you’ll understand just how difficult the last nine months have been. When my girlfriend and I discovered this outrageous fraud, we took it as a dreadful omen for our future. Only some regular counselling sessions have us hanging on by a thread as we struggle through to December under the shadow of the fake-cockers thrust upon us by Hartigan Calendars.
I intend to come on your program and call these fiends to account. I’m suing for the return of $24.95 and a further $5000 for pain and suffering. I will obviously bring the offending item with me and hand it over to Officer Byrd. Don’t bother returning it.
As the case is a foregone conclusion, I’ve already spent half the $5000 on a pre-paid return airfare from Sydney to New York. Please don’t think me presumptuous, it is simply a sign of my faith in the judicial process and your majestic wisdom. I look forward immensely to your verbal retribution against the Hartigan calendar company.
If I may stipulate one small condition in advance, please have Officer Byrd clear the holding pen prior to my appearance. While I enjoy gawking from afar at the great cavalcade of humanity passing through your court, close quarters with same may be another matter. As all the criminals on your show seem to own pit-bulls, Rottweilers, and other psychopathic beasts, they are rather frightening to a cocker-lover like myself. I can just about tolerate a pit-bull from a distance, but I can’t abide their owners.
Apart from that, I intend ‘when in Rome’ to do as the Romans do, so rest assured I will do my best to procure some temporary tattoos and inappropriate clothing for the occasion. If I may add one final point, please convey my regards to Officer Byrd and my invitation to him for a celebratory drink after we win this case. Thank you, your majesty, Judge Judy.